my blog

What a waste!

2007-04-03T02:50:00.000+08:00

Spent almost $20 on unnecessary stuffs. Tried making a card for her whose birthday's coming soon. Tried water-colouring, cutting, penkinfing et al. First time in my life I'm making a card personally. But in the end, I decided my card's too childish and I decided to discard it and buy one instead. Then I asked myself, it is worth it? I started asking God too, does it matter at the end of the day?

To be honest we were friends all along, it was me who tried to go one step ahead. Bastard! However you describe the state our friendship is in now, I was the culprit, I was the catalyst. I can only hope for a miracle now, and this is the first time in my whole bloody life that I'm really hoping for a miracle. Never believed in miracles, but "miracle", I'm begging you please prove me wrong this time!

Still thinking...

2007-04-01T01:02:00.000+08:00

Yea I thought about you the whole day, even spoke to asza about it.. It seems there's nothing I can do to rectify this, and why weren't I thinking this morning? I sent an email but I have no idea what the email is about. Too drunk? Unforgivable! Even Cassandra said something so important that could have stopped me from emailing, I just got too carried away with my tipsiness and carried on ranting and ranting, not even considering what cassandra said. At least I re-read this morning's convo, I should "let everything unfurl and hope for the best". Thats all I can do I reckon. Thanks Cassandra that enlightened me quite abit.

I'm not seeking sympathy or anything, but I think I'm suffering from mild anorexia. Damn food is so uninteresting to me. Even steamboat did not appeal to me. I stoned the whole day, but I've finally made up my mind. Weixiang, it's time to move on, get on with your life! Swing's famous words: What you don't have now, you don't need it anyway. I'm starting to believe those words. What is yours will eventually go to you.

Still I don't know why I'm posting when I know nobody's reading this..

I effed it up.

2007-03-31T04:09:00.000+08:00

It's been 2 and half months since I last posted, well I wonder why I even post since nobody knows about my blog, but I'll just post.

Life's back to normal, sleepless nights from now on I guess. From Josie to Huixuan, but Diana's always been there for me. Josie was a complete joke. Now Huixuan, guess I've hurt her real bad I can't even explain for myself, can't even defend myself, even if i could i'm only "making myself feel better" cos whatever I say is "not going to change how she feels".

Damn I held her hand but she'll hate me from now on for that. Cos she'll be away for 4 years in oz, and I vowed to myself, I'm never ever gonna give her up. By holding her I wanted her to know that I can't let go, but I fucked it up. What now?

To those who know me and if your reading this, you know what hurt the most? 1. You love someone so much you try hard to win her heart, but at the end of the day she treats you as a friend, and you try to show that you love her, it annoys her and you've fucked it all up.
2. You still love her, but you try to hate her, so that she hates you, for you think she thinks your a jerk, and at the end of the day she hates you, but you still love her, and then it hurts.

No its not time to sleep. I just woke up in fact. Even now she's using all the strong words and strong language, I still can't give her up. I'm never gonna win this one though. I thought maybe we should stay away for awhile, and she said "maybe we shouldn't meet". At least i got what i want for once. I swear I didn't fall in love with her right before army like any other despo would, neither did i fall in love with the fact that i fell in love. But it doesnt matter now, whatever i say is not going to change how she feels.

I seriously fucked this one up. I've just lost someone I truly love for the first time in my life and it's gonna hurt real bad. What hurts more? I can't do anything to win her back, period.

What can I do? All I can do now is refrain myself from finding solace in alcohol. But its too tempting, lets go try 4 bottles on an empty stomach, again..

[Official] I have given up.

2007-01-15T17:38:00.000+08:00

Given up on everything, or so it seems. I've officially given up, like I always do. No I'm not sad or anything, just kinda used to it..

It's alright I'm okay I think God can explain..

Are we there yet?

2007-01-10T18:16:00.000+08:00

16 days and I'm running out of time. I didn't believe in fate, only coincidence, but were we really fated to meet this morning? I remember all the buses we've taken together. 960, 168, 856. You chose not to take 963 with me, but I refuse to be paranoid. Even so, it seems your trying to avoid. But why?

4 days of torture.

2007-01-01T20:54:00.000+08:00

I'm into the 3rd day of torture. Past 3 days have been torrid and horrendous cos it had been so boring. Went to video ezy to rent "silk". Next up, spurs vs portsmouth.

It seems she's increasingly unreachable. Absence makes the heart fonder, but it has been a torture I could've died waiting for the time to pass. Time may seem to pass slowly, but it's already 1st jan, just less than a month left before my time is up, unless I'm willing to give up like I always do, so time pass or not, no difference.

But this time I'm not giving up till the very very end, I think.

And I hope to carry on the good work from saturday and make more friends.

2007

2006-12-29T22:22:00.000+08:00

Happy 2007, goodbye 2006, goodbye to all the beautiful memories, goodbye to memories already forgotten.

4 more days till I see her and her beautiful "crystallised" smile which makes me melt despite the weather. 4 days seem eternity. Completely lost when I don't go to work, but why can't time pass slowly just for me?

Holy X'mas, lonely x'mas.

2006-12-25T03:19:00.000+08:00

Stayed at home the whole day and did nothing. I'm gonna spoil my knees soon if I continue to stay at home. Experts say I need to be involved in more outdoor or social activities. Hopefully people will start asking me out soon. Christmas day, another day for me to stay at home.

Have been so troubled for the past few days just because I didn't see "her" on sat. Just so afraid that friday was the last time that I saw "her". Please, let me see her again cos I have't talked enough with her, and I wanna buy yogurt drink from her at 95 cents, not $1 from anyone else.

I only have 1 christmas wish: please let tuesday come soon.

Just watch, and breathe..

2006-12-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

For the first time I'd agree with the government. If you want to criticize, please criticize constructively, and make sure you suggest a solution to rectify whatever complaints you have. Yeah we love the singapore government don't we? And this idea shall be my tactic for the next coupla months or so.

She was wearing red, for godness sake, red, the ugliest color ever, the color which symbolizes cheaters and felons. But I still don't hate her yet. At the end of each day I yearn for a new day to begin fast, and end slow. At the end of every saturday I wish for monday to come soon. Just wanna indulge myself in deep thoughts, simply by people-watching. Still lack the courage to say something, anything, or even look at her, cos I'm still short, and short of confidence. Just watch from far, don't get too close.

Each time I close my eyes I see you in the pitch dark sky, but once I leave wonderland for heaven, memories of you will slowly vanish, till I see a completely pitch dark sky.

Magical moment

2006-12-18T18:02:00.000+08:00

Clipped hair, black top as always; so damn cute, stunning. One split second and it was so magical. One smile and it took all my sorrows away.

Wait, don't be too happy yet, sekali she's attached already..

Maybe I've made a new acquaintance.

Diana who?

Truth or dare: Sixth floor rear flat song.

2006-12-18T00:48:00.000+08:00

Karena_Lam_-_Siy_appartment__TvB_version_

Nice song by a nice adorable lady, by Karena Lam.

Heartbroken

2006-12-17T19:14:00.000+08:00

I think I am. Maybe that's her motive. Maybe I'm plain stupid. I'll be alone.. Leave me alone, forever..

STM

2006-12-08T22:34:00.000+08:00

I wanted to think about something, but I've forgotten what I wanted to think about. I'm still listening to b'z itsuka no merry christmas. Still listening to itoshisa wa fuhai ni tsuki.

So am I supposed to meet jc, adeline and ivan on sunday? Imperative? Damn I feel I need to stay away from all these meet-ups. I'm not sure why either.

X'mas, a little early..

2006-12-06T19:41:00.000+08:00

Chanced upon this song by b'z. Always thought they were a good band even though I've only heard one of their songs (konya tsuki no mieru oka ni). Thought the song lyrics is quite meaningful. It was 4 years ago when I first and last bought a x'mas present. This year, yet another lonely x'mas. Ain't gonna receive any presents, not even the one supposed to be exchanged during "class" outing.

Here goes the lyrics, with translation.

ITSUKA NO MERRY CHRISTMAS
Merry Christmas Once Upon A Time

Yukkuri to juunigatsu no agari ga tomori hajime
Awatadashiku odoru machi wo dare mo ga suki ni naru

Boku wa hashiri heiten magiwa kimi no hoshigatta isu wo katta
Nimotsu kakae, densha no naka, hitori de shiawasedatta

Itsumade mo te wo tsunaide irareru youna kigashiteita
Nanimokamo ga kirameite, gamushara ni yume wo oikaketa
Yorokobi mo kanashimi mo zenbu, wakachiau hi ga kuru koto
Omotte hohoemi atteiru iroaseta, Itsuka no Merry Christmas

Utainagara senrozoi wo uchi e to sukoshi isoida
Doa wo aketa kimi wa isogashiku yuushoku wo tsukutteita

Hokorashige ni purezento miseru to, kimi wa kokoro kara yorokonde
Sono kao wo mita boku mo mata sunao ni kimi wo dakishimeta

* Itsumade mo te wo tsunaide irareru youna kigashiteita
Nanimokamo ga kirameite, gamushara ni yume wo oikaketa
Kimi ga inakunaru koto wo hajimete kowai to omotta
Hito wo aisuru toiu koto ni ki ga tsuita itsuka no Merry Christmas

Heya wo somerurou soku no hi wo minagara “Hanareru koto wa nai” to itta
ato de kyuu ni boku wa nazedaka wakarazu naita
(Repeat *)

Tachidomatteru boku no soba wo, dareka ga hashibaya ni
Toorisugiru nimotsu wo kakae, shiawasesouna kao de

TRANSLATION

The lamps of December have begun to light up slowly
And everyone without exception start liking the busily dancing city

I ran and made it to the store before it closed and bought the stool that you longed for
Hugging it, inside the subway, I felt happiness all over me

I felt that we're always gonna be together with our hands in each other's
While everything is sparkling brightly, I run after my dream freely
There will be a day when we share happiness or unhappiness, or all of it
Thinking about it, I had a smile on my face
On that blurred colorful Merry Christmas once upon a time

I sang all the way while walking along the path
Closer to home, I started to walk faster
When I opened the door I saw you busily preparing our dinner

Proudly I showed you your present
And you are pleased from the heart
Seeing your happy face, once again, I couldn’t resist hugging you

* I felt that we're always gonna be together with our hands in each other's
While everything is sparkling brightly, I run after my dream freely
It was the first time ever that I start to feel afraid about losing you
I truly realized what loving someone really means
On that Merry Christmas once upon a time

While watching lights illuminating our room
“Let’s never ever be parted” I said
And soon afterwards, not knowing clearly why, I was suddenly in tears

Standing by myself now, all around me are people who walk by fast
Everyone hugging presents with such happy faces

Ignorance is bliss

2006-12-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

Like how bastardy he used to be, like how he was a backstabber when zhixiang was still around. Up till day 701 I still think he's a bastard.

We went to offer zhixiang our prayers, and made a fool out of everything. We were talking rubbish and making jokes out of nothing like how we did in the past. No tears my friends, but we sorta disturbed his new "neighbours". I never knew who this Caiping personally, but we saw Keldy and her who'd probably talk some sense in front of his so-called "home", unlike us.

Then the day began. Very frustrated with everything I saw thereafter. Just the slightest touch made me damn agitated deep inside. I guess I looked upon myself too much, without considering we actually see each other once a year, while they could have been meeting everyday since they study at the same school. Perhaps I'll keep it to once a year, and run away from my feelings, hide from what I'm afraid I might see, shun all the talks which really make us feel so distant. Perhaps I should only keep in touch with jcnang (LOL).

The day ended like how it started, bad, when spurs lost to arse*nal 3-0. Spurs played like fuck, like they just fucked one another before the game. Then Graham Poll was even more fucked, and he really added salt to our wounds.

And oh, that was all yesterday.

Botak "crazy" Jones.

2006-11-28T21:37:00.000+08:00

Went out with Connie yesterday for the first time, probably the last as well. Haven't heard from her since. We went to pastamania to lunch. Damn I gotta say the food's real sh*t!

I went to amk and was looking for botak jones. For some reason I didn't know where 608 was and I took about 20 minutes to find, in the rain. When I finally found 608, botak jones was closed! Ccb!!

Never mind, I went to the clementi branch today and I finally got to try the "authentic american food". Went at the right time, in between lunch time and dinner time. Waited for about 10-15 minutes. When my food arrived I almost blurted "WHAT THE FUCK!!" Ash said "the chilli dog is damn big and juicy, only drawback is too salty". I say the chilli dog is damn bloody freaking gigantic, quite juicy and too salty. I wasted food, almost puked. I gotta try their fish-&-chips someday, starving. Fish-&-chips can't be too salty can it? Botak jones' middle name is crazy. Their t-shirt should write "damn big serving" rather than "damn good".

Nonetheless, the food's worth every penny, I guess.

Sexy, naughty, bitchy, slutty..

2006-11-24T17:26:00.000+08:00

Tata Young - Zoom

Na rak? Maybe.. But hey thai bitch! I wanna see more for goodness sake!

Vanishing memories...

2006-11-23T04:34:00.000+08:00

Was uploading the gday pics the other day. I wish I knew how to take photos, cos the quality of the photos really sucked. Some faces are so unfamiliar, as if I never knew them, as if they were total strangers. The rest are slowly becoming strangers to me. When I saw miss goh in the pictures, my first thought was "who is she?".

Wtf?!

But she's probably the only one I'ma remember for a very long time..

Does excessive *@$!#*g really weakens your memory?

Back in the diaryland days...

2006-11-23T03:30:00.000+08:00

I had a choice to display one post per page or many posts per page. Now I can only display many posts per page, and when i scroll down, i see the post about england posted during world cup 2006.. And the archives thingyyy.. If I can scroll down and see posts from the past few months, why have the archives function?

Back in those days I had this girl named Charlotte who'd touch up everything for me.. Back in those days everything was free and easy..

I'm giving in to you..

2006-11-23T02:23:00.000+08:00

Adema - Giving in

This song lives forever..

Have you heard this joke?

2006-11-15T21:14:00.000+08:00

Have You Heard This Joke?

Funny maybe..

Tears always flow back with the winds of time. It's not over, blue rose from sadness.

2006-10-31T20:26:00.000+08:00

Loneliness, your silent whisper, fills the river of tears through the night. Memories, you never let me cry, and you, you never said goodbye..

Sometimes the tears blinded the love.We lost our dreams along the way. But I never thought you'd trade your soul to the fates, never thought you'd leave me alone.

Time through the rain has set me free. Sands of time will keep your memory. Love everlasting fades away, alive within your beatless heart.

Dry your tears with love...

Time flies, a year had passed since. Took quite awhile to get through the trauma, but still drowned in sadness at times.

Those few months brought us together, but 1 second tore us apart. Guilt overwhelms me still, I never got a chance to say how I really felt. Your seemingly relieved face's still etched upon my memories. I hope you left with no regrets. I hope you left with no hard feelings. I wish I could tell you Hide the guitarist (there the cool guy in the vid with pink hair and the coolest guitar on earth) died, not the lead singer. I wish I had no chinese exam on that day; I'd have made it in time to wake you up.

A year has passed, your still asleep..... You'll always be.

X Japan's Rusty nail dedicated to my eternal friend. Each time I hear this song, I think of you. I hope you'd hear this song, and I hope you'd remember me. We'll meet again sometime soon. Enjoy our favourite song for now.

In memory of Lim Zhi Xiang (28/07/1988 - 31/10/2005)

She say cannot zap so I never zap.

2006-10-30T02:29:00.000+08:00

I feel that I'm damn stupid man. How can I be scanning 01, 02 and 03 papers and printing using my own printer? Damn fucking stupid man.

BoA's new single.

2006-10-06T18:24:00.000+08:00

BoA-Winter Love

New song. Do I have to wait 4 days for this thing to appear on my blog?

...

2006-10-02T17:58:00.000+08:00

Something's wrong with youtube or something's wrong with blogger? Can't blog video man. Anyway can't wait for BoA's winter love to be released. When can I get my debit card? Wanna buy from yesasia man.

Which gackt are you?

2006-05-29T19:39:00.000+08:00

Which Gackt are you most like?
You are the warm, sensitive and seasonal Gackt; touching, sincere and very poignant.